Common sense, patience and priorities must prevail when your Mr. Right is a proud father
WITH so many available men who are single fathers--due to divorce, being widowed or never marrying--it is inevitable that women seeking a close encounter with Mr. Right will cross paths with Mr. Wonderful who also happens to be a do-right dad.
For many women (and for many reasons), an available man with young children poses a problem. Some simply do not want to get involved with a single dad because they would prefer to start their own families. Others do not want the restrictions and limitations that are par for the course when dating single fathers.
On the other hand, there are plenty of women who do not consider children an obstacle to romance. But some of these same women fail to recognize the intricacies and sensitivities that must be acknowledged and understood if they want to establish a meaningful relationship with a single father.
According to single fathers, there are a number of common mistakes that repeatedly are made by women who have hopes of being the special lady in their lives. Among the mistakes are:
* Not respecting the father's time with the child. When a woman constantly tries to infringe upon the time a father devotes to his child or children, she sends a negative message to the object of her affection. Rather than respecting that special time the father spends with his child, they attempt to curtail it, intrude upon it or otherwise impede it. "When you are dating a single dad, you should respect the relationship the father has with his child," says Everett C. (Chuck) Williams, a businessman in Corpus Christi, Texas, and the father of a 5-year-old daughter, Joya. "Do not impose on their quality time. Wait to be invited in."
Washington, D.C., attorney Ronald C. Jessamy agrees. "Many women feel that when they want attention, they want to take time away from the child," says Jessamy, the father of a 12-year-old daughter, Taylor, and a 16-year-old son, Ron Jr. "They say, `You only get around to me when all your other things are done--after the work, after your kids.'"
Quality time between father and child is a sensitive issue, says Eric Benet, the singer and recording artist who is rearing his 7-year-old daughter, India, as a single father. "Don't try to monopolize the father's time," he emphasizes. "It may be a particular time of the week or time of the day that is special to the father and child. That is a sensitive issue." He and other single fathers say that the woman should be patient and get an understanding of the father-child relationship. At the appropriate time, she may be invited to share some of the private time. "It's a situation that should evolve into something comfortable over time," adds Benet.
* Being competitive with the child. Equally as bad as trying to intrude upon the special time between a father and his child is feeling competitive in general with the youngster. Some women not only want the same attention and time (and perhaps money), they also feel that the success of their relationship with the father depends on competing for his attention. When a woman competes with a man's child, she will always end up the loser.
Andre Nash, a social worker and graduate student in Chicago, recalls one woman in particular he dated for nine months who always wanted to compare herself to his 8-year-old son, Xavier. "Once she was sick and I could not get by to see her when she wanted me to," recalls Nash. "In a later conversation, she said, `You wouldn't do Xavier like that!' I let her know that my son is the priority in my life," Nash says, "and I told her if we get serious I can incorporate you into that, but you can't come in and take priority over my son.
"As an example, I told her that if she, Xavier and I were on a sinking boat, I would save Xavier first. He's a child and she's an adult, and she has the ability to think for herself. She didn't like that at all. Things just started going off in my head. I knew she was not the one for me.
"I probably have missed out on a lot of good women and relationships because I put my son in the category where he belongs. He comes first," Nash adds. "I tell people all the time that I'm tied up because I have my son."
A competitive attitude is indicative of a person who is unhealthy emotionally, says Benet, whose home is in Milwaukee. "That person would not make the entry form for me," he says. "It is important to realize that there is no other relationship comparable to a child and a parent, and to try to intervene in that relationship says a lot about the emotional health of anyone who would try to do something like that, even if they do it subconsciously."
* Not taking time to get to know the father and the child. Several fathers emphasize that the women in their lives must be patient and get a good understanding of them and their relationship with their offspring. These particular fathers point out that they are reluctant to expose their children to their dates until they feel the relationship has longevity. On the other hand, some women want to rush the process, thinking that if they can win the heart of the child, the father's heart will follow. That is not the way it works.
Everett Williams has encountered women who he feels are far too "aggressive" with his daughter. "They aggressively try to make the child do things, like maybe go to the store with them," he explains. "They want to push or pull the child into a relationship with them, but that doesn't work. In fact, it makes the child regress in the relationship."
Instead of being aggressive, Williams says women should be patient and let the relationship develop naturally with the child. "Don't rush or push the child," advises Williams, an entrepreneur who gave up world travel to be at home with his daughter. "Both the child and the parent will resent you for that. Allow them both to love you individually, and to grow in love with you."
Ron Jessamy says that some women seem to have a hard time understanding why he has not made his children a part of the relationship with them. "Their sense is that they can't have a full and meaningful relationship with me without having a notion or touching upon every aspect of my life," he explains. "They feel, and correctly so, that my children are very important to me, and that my reluctance to share that particular aspect of my life with them means that I am not `valuing' the relationship with them. That's a repeated theme that I see." Now that his children are older, Jessamy says he probably will make them more visible with his dates.
* Displaying too much affection. A touchy issue for many fathers is the girlfriend or date bestowing too much affection on them in the presence of their children, and being too affectionate with their children. Benet says that in the initial stages of a relationship, the child closely observes the interaction between the father and the new woman. "The utmost sensitivity and consideration should be taken," he says. "It's a mistake to be misperceived as feeling, `Yeah, he's your daddy, but I can be `kissy and huggy,' too.'
"India has never seen that. And the only time she will see that [my being affectionate with a woman] is when I am ready to marry," Benet adds. "And I think it is something that should be followed by other people. If you are casually dating someone, or if you are still trying to figure out if you want to get involved, the last thing you should do is outwardly display affection and emotion. Most often it will work out that she is not the one. Then somebody else conies along, and the child sees that show of affection again. Then the child is confused."
And children watch and imitate what they see their parents do. "I try to watch what I do as far as hugging and touching in front of Xavier" says Andre Nash. "I try to keep that aside when he's around. Children watch what you do. Children see everything, and they do everything."
Williams agrees. "Any person I date would have to minimize affection in the presence of my child, but she must not be jealous of the affection that I bestow on my child," he says. "When a child sees someone being affectionate with her father, the first thing that comes to mind for my daughter is that someone is trying to take her daddy away. The woman you are dating should be invited into the affection arena. She should not start out kissing all over my daughter. Children will welcome affection, but in time."
* Sleeping over. All the fathers interviewed here agree that a woman spending the night when the child is at home indicates bad judgment. "I see people do things I would never do," says Jessamy, "such as having your girlfriend or date sleep over when the children are there. That is not a picture that you want your children to have ... And then to let your kids see you dating a string of people; that's not a good example to set for children perceive things differently."
"India has never seen me in bed with another woman," says Benet. "That falls under the category of a very, very sensitive situation. It influences the child's association and how she will react in her adult life. It has so much to do with the example the parent is setting. I may be old-fashioned, but I feel that sleeping with a man [in the child's presence] is a mistake for the woman dating a single father; until the relationship has a definitive and mutual commitment for longevity. The child should not be witnessing this, especially the parent waking up with another person in his bed. The date should not even be spending time in the parent's bedroom. They should be extremely cautious."
* Using inappropriate language and bad behavior. Both men and women should really be conscious of how they address their significant other around their children, says Benet, who grew up in the church and feels blessed to have the help of his mother to take care of his daughter when she can not travel with him. "Like the old adage, the cliche, `Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,'" he continues. "Around your child, especially, you should talk to others like you want to be spoken to. That is the way the child learns. There is a way to discuss a problem in a respectful way You have to really be conscious of the respect level.
"Children learn by what parents tell them, but more by What they see, by example. Unless you want your child to be disrespectful and not to care about the feelings of others, or what is important to others, then you'd better watch how you interact with people when the child is observing. The child learns by what she sees, and on so many levels, consciously and cognitively Even when you are not aware, a standard is being set, an emotional template is being engraved."
* Trying to "mother" the child. "Some women want to help you parent, and that's a mistake," says Ron Jessamy. "I have strong timings about parenting issues. And I want to make sure that the issues of rejection, etc., won't be experienced by my children ... There are women who just want to take care of somebody They may be overnurturing or whatever. In doing so, they create a situation where the kids set this woman wire is not their mother `controlling' their father. And kids don't like that."
And kids do not like for someone they consider an outsider to try to tell them what to do or to discipline them. "Do not impose your will on the child," advises Williams. "And do not come into the relationship trying to tell the parent what to do, trying to change the order of the household or trying to play `mommy' when daddy has been filling both roles."
Andre Nash says he is aware of situations with single friends in which the girlfriend insisted that the child call her "mommy," a predicament in which he would never put his son. On a personal level, he tells of a former girlfriend who attempted to discipline his son. "I'd bought Xavier a drum set, and one day she came over and he was playing them," explains Nash. "She went into his room and took his drumsticks. I told her that this is the time of day he always practices on his drums and that she had no right to interfere. That was a big turn-off for her. But she should have come to me and explained flint she had a headache or whatever rather than directly confronting him about it. I am his parent. She is not."
* Pressuring the man to father their children. Jessamy points out that some women, especially those who have not been married and who do not have children, put too much pressure on the boyfriend, the father, to have children with them, when the father might not want to have more children. "A woman I was dating once said to me, `You don't want any other children?' I said, `No, ma'am. I'm fulfilled. I have a son and a daughter, and I'm fulfilled. I don't want to start another family.' If I do remarry I don't plan to have more children." Jessamy says that is why he usually dates women who are 45 and older, or those who are not interested in having children.
* Being jealous of the child's mother. A common mistake made by women dating a single dad is assuming that because the father has a good relationship with the children's mother, there is still romantic involvement. Nash recalls a relationship he had with a young woman for almost a year. "She was always worded about Xavier's mother," he says. "His mother and I were not together, but this lady always had a problem, thinking that I still had something going on with the mother. That is a problem with some women. They usually focus on the other woman, the mother of the child."
Jessamy says he has encountered this kind of envy on more than one occasion. "Because you are in daily contact with your ex, due to the children, your date thinks you are still romantically involved," he says. "Recently I happened to get a page while I was out with a lady; it was something concerning my daughter. My date said, `I have the feeling you are still in love with her [the former with].' I said, `It's not about love, but we have an agreement to do this parenting thing, so we are in touch.'"
He says many women misinterpret an amicable relationship between former spouses, and adds that he also has a good relationship with his in-laws. "A lady friend of mine did not understand why I spent the night at my in-laws when I went out of town to pick up my daughter," he says. "A lot of relationships fall apart when people divorce; everybody is trying to get the best of the other. But we are working together for the best of the children. Unfortunately, this seems to be the exception rather than the norm."
* Assuming you will take the place of the child's mother. Nash says that some women he has dated have not been able to handle the fact that he has a son, thinking that they will have to become an instant mother if they get involved with him. "I tell them that Xavier has a mother; and I don't want or expect [them] to be his mother," says Nash. "Even if it turns out that I one day get sole custody, I don't expect a woman to come in and be an instant mother. Being a parent takes a lot."
Indeed it does. And as Nash and countless other single fathers have discovered, not all women are psychologically and emotionally prepared to share parenting duties with the single dad. Women must keep in mind that the child should always be first in the mind and heart of the father. "When you are a single parent, all tire decisions you make aren't just for you," says Eric Benet. "I think of myself its an entity that includes me and my daughter."
For many single women looking for Mr. Right, that is a bargain.
WITH so many available men who are single fathers--due to divorce, being widowed or never marrying--it is inevitable that women seeking a close encounter with Mr. Right will cross paths with Mr. Wonderful who also happens to be a do-right dad.
For many women (and for many reasons), an available man with young children poses a problem. Some simply do not want to get involved with a single dad because they would prefer to start their own families. Others do not want the restrictions and limitations that are par for the course when dating single fathers.
On the other hand, there are plenty of women who do not consider children an obstacle to romance. But some of these same women fail to recognize the intricacies and sensitivities that must be acknowledged and understood if they want to establish a meaningful relationship with a single father.
According to single fathers, there are a number of common mistakes that repeatedly are made by women who have hopes of being the special lady in their lives. Among the mistakes are:
* Not respecting the father's time with the child. When a woman constantly tries to infringe upon the time a father devotes to his child or children, she sends a negative message to the object of her affection. Rather than respecting that special time the father spends with his child, they attempt to curtail it, intrude upon it or otherwise impede it. "When you are dating a single dad, you should respect the relationship the father has with his child," says Everett C. (Chuck) Williams, a businessman in Corpus Christi, Texas, and the father of a 5-year-old daughter, Joya. "Do not impose on their quality time. Wait to be invited in."
Washington, D.C., attorney Ronald C. Jessamy agrees. "Many women feel that when they want attention, they want to take time away from the child," says Jessamy, the father of a 12-year-old daughter, Taylor, and a 16-year-old son, Ron Jr. "They say, `You only get around to me when all your other things are done--after the work, after your kids.'"
Quality time between father and child is a sensitive issue, says Eric Benet, the singer and recording artist who is rearing his 7-year-old daughter, India, as a single father. "Don't try to monopolize the father's time," he emphasizes. "It may be a particular time of the week or time of the day that is special to the father and child. That is a sensitive issue." He and other single fathers say that the woman should be patient and get an understanding of the father-child relationship. At the appropriate time, she may be invited to share some of the private time. "It's a situation that should evolve into something comfortable over time," adds Benet.
* Being competitive with the child. Equally as bad as trying to intrude upon the special time between a father and his child is feeling competitive in general with the youngster. Some women not only want the same attention and time (and perhaps money), they also feel that the success of their relationship with the father depends on competing for his attention. When a woman competes with a man's child, she will always end up the loser.
Andre Nash, a social worker and graduate student in Chicago, recalls one woman in particular he dated for nine months who always wanted to compare herself to his 8-year-old son, Xavier. "Once she was sick and I could not get by to see her when she wanted me to," recalls Nash. "In a later conversation, she said, `You wouldn't do Xavier like that!' I let her know that my son is the priority in my life," Nash says, "and I told her if we get serious I can incorporate you into that, but you can't come in and take priority over my son.
"As an example, I told her that if she, Xavier and I were on a sinking boat, I would save Xavier first. He's a child and she's an adult, and she has the ability to think for herself. She didn't like that at all. Things just started going off in my head. I knew she was not the one for me.
"I probably have missed out on a lot of good women and relationships because I put my son in the category where he belongs. He comes first," Nash adds. "I tell people all the time that I'm tied up because I have my son."
A competitive attitude is indicative of a person who is unhealthy emotionally, says Benet, whose home is in Milwaukee. "That person would not make the entry form for me," he says. "It is important to realize that there is no other relationship comparable to a child and a parent, and to try to intervene in that relationship says a lot about the emotional health of anyone who would try to do something like that, even if they do it subconsciously."
* Not taking time to get to know the father and the child. Several fathers emphasize that the women in their lives must be patient and get a good understanding of them and their relationship with their offspring. These particular fathers point out that they are reluctant to expose their children to their dates until they feel the relationship has longevity. On the other hand, some women want to rush the process, thinking that if they can win the heart of the child, the father's heart will follow. That is not the way it works.
Everett Williams has encountered women who he feels are far too "aggressive" with his daughter. "They aggressively try to make the child do things, like maybe go to the store with them," he explains. "They want to push or pull the child into a relationship with them, but that doesn't work. In fact, it makes the child regress in the relationship."
Instead of being aggressive, Williams says women should be patient and let the relationship develop naturally with the child. "Don't rush or push the child," advises Williams, an entrepreneur who gave up world travel to be at home with his daughter. "Both the child and the parent will resent you for that. Allow them both to love you individually, and to grow in love with you."
Ron Jessamy says that some women seem to have a hard time understanding why he has not made his children a part of the relationship with them. "Their sense is that they can't have a full and meaningful relationship with me without having a notion or touching upon every aspect of my life," he explains. "They feel, and correctly so, that my children are very important to me, and that my reluctance to share that particular aspect of my life with them means that I am not `valuing' the relationship with them. That's a repeated theme that I see." Now that his children are older, Jessamy says he probably will make them more visible with his dates.
* Displaying too much affection. A touchy issue for many fathers is the girlfriend or date bestowing too much affection on them in the presence of their children, and being too affectionate with their children. Benet says that in the initial stages of a relationship, the child closely observes the interaction between the father and the new woman. "The utmost sensitivity and consideration should be taken," he says. "It's a mistake to be misperceived as feeling, `Yeah, he's your daddy, but I can be `kissy and huggy,' too.'
"India has never seen that. And the only time she will see that [my being affectionate with a woman] is when I am ready to marry," Benet adds. "And I think it is something that should be followed by other people. If you are casually dating someone, or if you are still trying to figure out if you want to get involved, the last thing you should do is outwardly display affection and emotion. Most often it will work out that she is not the one. Then somebody else conies along, and the child sees that show of affection again. Then the child is confused."
And children watch and imitate what they see their parents do. "I try to watch what I do as far as hugging and touching in front of Xavier" says Andre Nash. "I try to keep that aside when he's around. Children watch what you do. Children see everything, and they do everything."
Williams agrees. "Any person I date would have to minimize affection in the presence of my child, but she must not be jealous of the affection that I bestow on my child," he says. "When a child sees someone being affectionate with her father, the first thing that comes to mind for my daughter is that someone is trying to take her daddy away. The woman you are dating should be invited into the affection arena. She should not start out kissing all over my daughter. Children will welcome affection, but in time."
* Sleeping over. All the fathers interviewed here agree that a woman spending the night when the child is at home indicates bad judgment. "I see people do things I would never do," says Jessamy, "such as having your girlfriend or date sleep over when the children are there. That is not a picture that you want your children to have ... And then to let your kids see you dating a string of people; that's not a good example to set for children perceive things differently."
"India has never seen me in bed with another woman," says Benet. "That falls under the category of a very, very sensitive situation. It influences the child's association and how she will react in her adult life. It has so much to do with the example the parent is setting. I may be old-fashioned, but I feel that sleeping with a man [in the child's presence] is a mistake for the woman dating a single father; until the relationship has a definitive and mutual commitment for longevity. The child should not be witnessing this, especially the parent waking up with another person in his bed. The date should not even be spending time in the parent's bedroom. They should be extremely cautious."
* Using inappropriate language and bad behavior. Both men and women should really be conscious of how they address their significant other around their children, says Benet, who grew up in the church and feels blessed to have the help of his mother to take care of his daughter when she can not travel with him. "Like the old adage, the cliche, `Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,'" he continues. "Around your child, especially, you should talk to others like you want to be spoken to. That is the way the child learns. There is a way to discuss a problem in a respectful way You have to really be conscious of the respect level.
"Children learn by what parents tell them, but more by What they see, by example. Unless you want your child to be disrespectful and not to care about the feelings of others, or what is important to others, then you'd better watch how you interact with people when the child is observing. The child learns by what she sees, and on so many levels, consciously and cognitively Even when you are not aware, a standard is being set, an emotional template is being engraved."
* Trying to "mother" the child. "Some women want to help you parent, and that's a mistake," says Ron Jessamy. "I have strong timings about parenting issues. And I want to make sure that the issues of rejection, etc., won't be experienced by my children ... There are women who just want to take care of somebody They may be overnurturing or whatever. In doing so, they create a situation where the kids set this woman wire is not their mother `controlling' their father. And kids don't like that."
And kids do not like for someone they consider an outsider to try to tell them what to do or to discipline them. "Do not impose your will on the child," advises Williams. "And do not come into the relationship trying to tell the parent what to do, trying to change the order of the household or trying to play `mommy' when daddy has been filling both roles."
Andre Nash says he is aware of situations with single friends in which the girlfriend insisted that the child call her "mommy," a predicament in which he would never put his son. On a personal level, he tells of a former girlfriend who attempted to discipline his son. "I'd bought Xavier a drum set, and one day she came over and he was playing them," explains Nash. "She went into his room and took his drumsticks. I told her that this is the time of day he always practices on his drums and that she had no right to interfere. That was a big turn-off for her. But she should have come to me and explained flint she had a headache or whatever rather than directly confronting him about it. I am his parent. She is not."
* Pressuring the man to father their children. Jessamy points out that some women, especially those who have not been married and who do not have children, put too much pressure on the boyfriend, the father, to have children with them, when the father might not want to have more children. "A woman I was dating once said to me, `You don't want any other children?' I said, `No, ma'am. I'm fulfilled. I have a son and a daughter, and I'm fulfilled. I don't want to start another family.' If I do remarry I don't plan to have more children." Jessamy says that is why he usually dates women who are 45 and older, or those who are not interested in having children.
* Being jealous of the child's mother. A common mistake made by women dating a single dad is assuming that because the father has a good relationship with the children's mother, there is still romantic involvement. Nash recalls a relationship he had with a young woman for almost a year. "She was always worded about Xavier's mother," he says. "His mother and I were not together, but this lady always had a problem, thinking that I still had something going on with the mother. That is a problem with some women. They usually focus on the other woman, the mother of the child."
Jessamy says he has encountered this kind of envy on more than one occasion. "Because you are in daily contact with your ex, due to the children, your date thinks you are still romantically involved," he says. "Recently I happened to get a page while I was out with a lady; it was something concerning my daughter. My date said, `I have the feeling you are still in love with her [the former with].' I said, `It's not about love, but we have an agreement to do this parenting thing, so we are in touch.'"
He says many women misinterpret an amicable relationship between former spouses, and adds that he also has a good relationship with his in-laws. "A lady friend of mine did not understand why I spent the night at my in-laws when I went out of town to pick up my daughter," he says. "A lot of relationships fall apart when people divorce; everybody is trying to get the best of the other. But we are working together for the best of the children. Unfortunately, this seems to be the exception rather than the norm."
* Assuming you will take the place of the child's mother. Nash says that some women he has dated have not been able to handle the fact that he has a son, thinking that they will have to become an instant mother if they get involved with him. "I tell them that Xavier has a mother; and I don't want or expect [them] to be his mother," says Nash. "Even if it turns out that I one day get sole custody, I don't expect a woman to come in and be an instant mother. Being a parent takes a lot."
Indeed it does. And as Nash and countless other single fathers have discovered, not all women are psychologically and emotionally prepared to share parenting duties with the single dad. Women must keep in mind that the child should always be first in the mind and heart of the father. "When you are a single parent, all tire decisions you make aren't just for you," says Eric Benet. "I think of myself its an entity that includes me and my daughter."
For many single women looking for Mr. Right, that is a bargain.
No comments:
Post a Comment