Getting your swerve on is contingent upon the schedules of a small army of sitters, friends and family willing to spot you for the occasional night out.
Tougher still is juggling your needs with those of your little shortie. More than likely, he's already sharing you with a full-time job. Will he resent the new man in your life and in his? It's no small wonder that many single sisters take the easy way out: spending night after night checking must-see TV--lonely, but safe. And unhealthy, according to experts."Single moms need to look at `self-care' and take it as seriously as they do their child-care responsibilities," says Julia Boyd, a psychotherapist who counsels solo-parenting sisters in her Seattle practice. "You have to find ways to tend to your own needs; otherwise you're not going to be any good at looking after someone else's."Before diving back into the dating game, Boyd suggests you ask yourself these questions:
Tougher still is juggling your needs with those of your little shortie. More than likely, he's already sharing you with a full-time job. Will he resent the new man in your life and in his? It's no small wonder that many single sisters take the easy way out: spending night after night checking must-see TV--lonely, but safe. And unhealthy, according to experts."Single moms need to look at `self-care' and take it as seriously as they do their child-care responsibilities," says Julia Boyd, a psychotherapist who counsels solo-parenting sisters in her Seattle practice. "You have to find ways to tend to your own needs; otherwise you're not going to be any good at looking after someone else's."Before diving back into the dating game, Boyd suggests you ask yourself these questions:
* Am I looking for Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now?
There's no shame in your game if you choose the latter. But keep it on the down-low; introducing your child to a stream of casual dates will only confuse and alienate her.
* Is my baby's daddy still in the picture?
Naturally you need to think about whether you're emotionally ready for a new man. Don't forget to consider whether your child is still vulnerable. Ask him directly how he feels before you introduce him to someone.
* Who's got my back?
You will need a support network--be they sitters, friends or family--to allow you to date. Both you and your child have to feel comfortable and secure before you step out.
* Is my child ready?
No matter how young a child is, he can sense change. Be prepared to do some careful planning and juggling to make sure your love life doesn't change his life to the point of disruption.
If you decide you're ready to get back into the mix, go slowly at first. Let's face it; many a brother can have you swooning for the first few dates. But no matter how hyped you may feel about a new prospect, resist the urge to try to get your kids to like him. In fact, according to Boyd, at the beginning stages of a relationship, your child need not meet your male friends at all. Instead of dinners, try to arrange lunches and meet for drinks or coffee--dates that can be squeezed into your workday.
If you're confident about having an ongoing relationship with the man you are dating, gradually introduce him to your child. If your daughter feels as if someone is being foisted upon her, she'll likely rebel. Begin by introducing that special man into conversations. For example, if your son likes trains, you might say: "Mommy has a new friend who loves trains too. I'd like you to meet him sometime." Then arrange the first meeting by having your man pick you up at the house. Whatever you do, don't expect the youngster to spend a daylong activity with this person they barely know.
When they do finally hang out for more than a few minutes, remember that it's unlikely they'll magically hit it off. Don't stress too much over your child's occasional bouts of jealousy and hostility. Experts say they are to be expected. But you can help ease those tensions by establishing perimeters. Unless you're planning to make the new relationship permanent, no man should lay up in the house 24-7. And until he's an actual stepdad, discipline is still your job alone.
Most important, allow your child to express negative feelings about the man in your life--as long as she does so respectfully. If she rejects him, limit their interactions for a while. "If he's a keeper, it won't make a big difference whether he gets to know your child now or two months from now," says Boyd. "But it can make a huge difference to your child, who may feel that someone is being forced down their throat."
Shielding your little one from too much exposure to your new man not only helps protect her from feeling threatened and overwhelmed, but it also gives your new relationship time to develop gradually.
Of course, shielding is one thing. But don't try to fool children, advise experts. They know better. Which brings us to one of the toughest aspects of dating as a single mom: getting that sexual healing. One simple rule: Every shut eye ain't sleep.
Take Camille Tyler, a 29-year-old secretary in Newark, New Jersey. One Christmas Eve her special guy spent the night. Just before dawn, Camille peeped into her daughter's room to be sure she was sleeping soundly. To her surprise 5-year-old Erin was sitting up, wide awake, as Camille and her friend peered around the door.
"I ran into her room and shut the door behind me, so he could get his stuff together and get out," says Camille. "I panicked. I remember telling her, `Quick, let's get under the covers. Santa's still here. He can't know you're awake.'"
The next day Erin asked, "Mommy, why did Santa have braids?" With the surefire timing only a mom can perfect, Camille answered: "He was one of Santa's helpers, baby."
No need to practice abstinence, though, if that's not something you choose to do. Experts say you should just avoid the drama and potential trauma by either staying at his place or limiting sleepovers to those times your child is out of the house.
Do's and Don't's of DWP (Dating While Parenting)
Honor Yourself:
Do seek to nurture yourself as a whole woman, not just as a mother.
Do choose someone respectful of your priorities as a mom.
Don't settle for less. As a single mom, you want a partner who is even more considerate, more secure and more supportive.
Don't move too fast; you'll jeopardize your child's emotional well-being as well as your own.
Honor Your Child:
Do give high priority to how well your friend interacts with your child.
Do show your child always that she comes first.
Don't force her to accept anyone she doesn't like, no matter what the reason.
Don't alter your child's life to suit your love interest.
Don't allow a boyfriend to exert unchecked authority over your child
There's no shame in your game if you choose the latter. But keep it on the down-low; introducing your child to a stream of casual dates will only confuse and alienate her.
* Is my baby's daddy still in the picture?
Naturally you need to think about whether you're emotionally ready for a new man. Don't forget to consider whether your child is still vulnerable. Ask him directly how he feels before you introduce him to someone.
* Who's got my back?
You will need a support network--be they sitters, friends or family--to allow you to date. Both you and your child have to feel comfortable and secure before you step out.
* Is my child ready?
No matter how young a child is, he can sense change. Be prepared to do some careful planning and juggling to make sure your love life doesn't change his life to the point of disruption.
If you decide you're ready to get back into the mix, go slowly at first. Let's face it; many a brother can have you swooning for the first few dates. But no matter how hyped you may feel about a new prospect, resist the urge to try to get your kids to like him. In fact, according to Boyd, at the beginning stages of a relationship, your child need not meet your male friends at all. Instead of dinners, try to arrange lunches and meet for drinks or coffee--dates that can be squeezed into your workday.
If you're confident about having an ongoing relationship with the man you are dating, gradually introduce him to your child. If your daughter feels as if someone is being foisted upon her, she'll likely rebel. Begin by introducing that special man into conversations. For example, if your son likes trains, you might say: "Mommy has a new friend who loves trains too. I'd like you to meet him sometime." Then arrange the first meeting by having your man pick you up at the house. Whatever you do, don't expect the youngster to spend a daylong activity with this person they barely know.
When they do finally hang out for more than a few minutes, remember that it's unlikely they'll magically hit it off. Don't stress too much over your child's occasional bouts of jealousy and hostility. Experts say they are to be expected. But you can help ease those tensions by establishing perimeters. Unless you're planning to make the new relationship permanent, no man should lay up in the house 24-7. And until he's an actual stepdad, discipline is still your job alone.
Most important, allow your child to express negative feelings about the man in your life--as long as she does so respectfully. If she rejects him, limit their interactions for a while. "If he's a keeper, it won't make a big difference whether he gets to know your child now or two months from now," says Boyd. "But it can make a huge difference to your child, who may feel that someone is being forced down their throat."
Shielding your little one from too much exposure to your new man not only helps protect her from feeling threatened and overwhelmed, but it also gives your new relationship time to develop gradually.
Of course, shielding is one thing. But don't try to fool children, advise experts. They know better. Which brings us to one of the toughest aspects of dating as a single mom: getting that sexual healing. One simple rule: Every shut eye ain't sleep.
Take Camille Tyler, a 29-year-old secretary in Newark, New Jersey. One Christmas Eve her special guy spent the night. Just before dawn, Camille peeped into her daughter's room to be sure she was sleeping soundly. To her surprise 5-year-old Erin was sitting up, wide awake, as Camille and her friend peered around the door.
"I ran into her room and shut the door behind me, so he could get his stuff together and get out," says Camille. "I panicked. I remember telling her, `Quick, let's get under the covers. Santa's still here. He can't know you're awake.'"
The next day Erin asked, "Mommy, why did Santa have braids?" With the surefire timing only a mom can perfect, Camille answered: "He was one of Santa's helpers, baby."
No need to practice abstinence, though, if that's not something you choose to do. Experts say you should just avoid the drama and potential trauma by either staying at his place or limiting sleepovers to those times your child is out of the house.
Do's and Don't's of DWP (Dating While Parenting)
Honor Yourself:
Do seek to nurture yourself as a whole woman, not just as a mother.
Do choose someone respectful of your priorities as a mom.
Don't settle for less. As a single mom, you want a partner who is even more considerate, more secure and more supportive.
Don't move too fast; you'll jeopardize your child's emotional well-being as well as your own.
Honor Your Child:
Do give high priority to how well your friend interacts with your child.
Do show your child always that she comes first.
Don't force her to accept anyone she doesn't like, no matter what the reason.
Don't alter your child's life to suit your love interest.
Don't allow a boyfriend to exert unchecked authority over your child
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