Your Demands And Expectations Could Be Standing Between You And Love

Nearly all singles have an "excuse" for why they've not been successful in attracting a soul mate or why they are not currently actively dating someone special. For some it's their age, for some it's their weight, for some it's their income, for some its their childhood and the way their parents treated them, for some its because good people are hard to come by, for others it's where they happen to live, or where they work.What excuse do you have for not having the relationship you had hoped for? Whatever your excuse, it is likely not an original excuse, IT'S LIKELY VERY COMMON EXCUSE! Your excuses can program themselves into your mind so deeply that you don't even realize the effects that they're having. If you believe for example, that the opposite sex won't feel attracted to you because you're, say, overweight, then you won't even go out to meet and mix with other singles. Won't even TRY to meet and develop single friends. You'll just assume that it's no use. This leads to even worse problems like fear of talking to people, fear of doing new things etc. But guess what?The PROBLEM with your excuse isn't the excuse itself, it's the fact that your "excuse" rarely deals with reality. So you get very unhappy even when it makes no real sense.

Here's the most interesting part of this particular phenomenon, whatever your excuse, I guarantee you that there are MANY, MANY singles in this world that have overcome your very same situation (excuse) and gone on to create fabulous fulfilling relationships.

Yes, there may be people who'll not be attracted to you because of your age, weight, height, income or just because you are you. Sure, there are some men and women who are only interested in these things. But MOST are far more interested in your sense of yourself and how you project what you feel inside than any of those other things. If you know how to use your personality and body language correctly, you can make men and women feel the same kind of powerful sexual attraction to you that YOU feel when you see a hot, sexy man or woman.

Your "why I am single excuse" comes from your own "expectations and demands" programming mindset. What happens out there in the world is run against the mental programming that runs the way you think and behave.

Lets say you go to a singles dance and your expectation and demand is that an attractive man or woman there will ask you for a dance. You are crushed when no one asks you to dance all evening and your whole outlook about love, the opposite sex, relationships, life and even about your desirability is affected, not by what happened at the dance, but by your own expectations and demands programming. Since I've been "excusing" myself ( I am too busy, it's just not my thing, English is my fourth language etc) about writing a book on how to change your "expectations and demands" programming, I will just tell you here and NOW that when you accept that you (and your EXCUSE) is what is preventing you from even the POSSIBILITY of attracting someone special, your whole outlook to EVERYTHING in your life will change. Until you realize that IT IS ALL ABOUT YOU - that you have the power over how you think, the way you react to people and situations and your general outlook on life, you will always blame it on others.

Let me say it again. When you become aware that your EXCUSE doesn't make sense because there are MANY, MANY singles in this world that have overcome your very same situation (excuse), you will consciously work at a program switch every time something happens in your world that makes you unhappy, negative, frustrated, discouraged, insecure etc.. Lets again say you go to another singles dance. As usual you'd love that someone at least ask you to dance but since no body is coming to you, you consciously make a program switch and there and then decide you'll do the asking and may be wind up with two or three out of ten you ask to dance with. You also resolve that you are not only going to learn everything you need to know to "get them to ask you to dance" but next time you are going to improve that ratio from three out of ten to five or even seven out of ten. And you are going to have fun doing it!.With your old "expectations and demands" programming you would have been so discouraged and unhappy, gone home and got out the wine bottle or gone down on your knees with "why, why me, God?". But with your improved "conscious" programming you are not unhappy, you are not even frustrated, you accept that you just need to change a few things. You decide that you are not "the" victim because you have the POWER to change what happens in your life.

Are you feeling me? I think I am still on that guilt trip from not writing that book so let me give another example just so that you get what I am trying to say here.

Let's say you are divorced. Your "expectations and demands" programming says that your marriage should have lasted for ever. It did not meet those "expectations and demands" so you are unhappy that not only are you single again but your ex moved on - what an ungrateful... whatever! You feel used and abandoned. You're also probably angry because income that used to support one household must now support two households. You expected your ex if they were leaving to at least leave using a certain "right" procedure and they did not. You expected him or her to go through certain expectations and demands of the way you believe they should have done it and they did not. So you are very disappointed by their insensitivity to your feelings and angry at their lack of common sense, depth or "class". Your whole outlook about love, the opposite sex, relationships, life and even about your desirability is all negative, frustrated, discouraged etc.

BUT wait. With your all new improved "conscious" programming you are not wiped out emotionally. You realize they were probably not the "right" person for you and you deserve a lot better. And if you are truthful about it, the marriage wasn't that really great. And now you even found out that they are not even very good at leaving procedures either.

With your improved "conscious" programming you are not unhappy. You have a few regrets, things you should have done better or said, but life goes on. You realize that now you have the OPPORTUNITY to change a few things and do it better with someone else. You also resolve that you are not only going to learn everything you need to know to attract someone who deserves you but next time you are going to be a better spouse (more loving, more expressive, more attentive, more committed, more caring, more empathetic, more passionate in and out of the bedroom. etc). And you are going to have fun doing it!

Thousands of singles "give up" and just totally withdraw from the active dating world, literally hide in a cave and the rest of their life just lick their emotional wounds. What a needless waste of a life time.

You can continue to beat your brains out, (which is what you have been doing) trying to get your world out there to shape up to meet your expectations and demands. Lots of work, frustration, failure and unhappiness. OR you can decide to get rid of, drop, dump, eliminate, give up, discard, delete, your old "expectations and demands" mental programming and get on with attracting a very special person.

I'd say that being able to get to where you throw your "expectations and demands" programming in the dumpster, is at LEAST a two step process:1) First you need to identify your own ""why I am single excuse", and you need to look around to find examples of other singles who have overcome the very same "obstacle" (excuse). These single people will provide you with some real-life evidence that what you're dealing with is not final and irreversible.2) Second you need to be honest with yourself and take a "truthful" look at your life. More than that you need to be willing to ask for, hear and listen to both positive and negative feedback. You must truly seek deeper insights about yourself to be able to create what you want the way you want it. You can do this with a good friend or hire the services of a good coach. So stop caring what others think of you, and just go for it all. Speak with your truest feelings and if the other person cannot appreciate that, move on. Soon or later you'll find someone who sees the "good" in you.

That reminds me, do you even know the "good" in you? Like really, really know? I bet you're so wrapped up in your excuse that you don't even think their is any "good" that a special person will see. I told you that your excuses can program themselves into your mind so deeply that you don't even realize the effects that they're having.

You could have an active dating life if you wanted!

You May Be Reducing Your Natural Sex Appeal

All of us will agree that most individuals can and should increase their sexual attractiveness, but just how much skin is too much skin? And do “sexy" clothes get women what they really want?Some of my male friends and clients say female bare skin especially parts that should traditionally be covered - even just a little bit - can trigger sexual thoughts instantly.Personally, I believe that too much skin by itself is not necessarily sexually interesting because it does not necessarily involve a sensuous or excited or sexually interested state of mind, body and spirit of the person who is nude.

A nude person with little expression or body language is just a naked body. Anatomy books are not erotic; they are not sensuous A stripper who performs before an audience just matter-of-factly, and with little apparent interest in what she is doing and looks like he or she is bored, tired, uninterested, spiritless, nervous, or just anxious to pick up their paycheck is not at all “sexy” unless one is stimulated by his or her own imagination.Even in a culture such as where I was born and raised where women go about their daily chores topless, men hang out their super endowed privates in full frontal view and where more skin is in view than it might be in most other cultures, this is not an erotic experience for the person used to this culture.

Similarly nude beaches or nudist camps lose their eroticism once the novelty wears off and once you realize that people, just by being nude, are not thereby necessarily insinuating they are interested in sex, in sex at the time, or in sex with you.Now some feminists might find my views “degrading to women” since most regard all bare midriff and revealing clothing as degrading women; but I doubt this is a fair assessment, since some women who have a good self- image and high self-esteem enjoy showing a little more skin and some men who love, respect and think very highly of women can look at a woman's bare midriff without thinking any less of her.

How much clothing you wear (or not wear) isn't as nearly important as what your body says. Physical characteristics and how the body is dressed may be important and everything, but how a person carries or presents him or herself is what animates a person and gives them real substance. The state of mind, body and spirit behind any piece of clothing is often more important in sexual value than is how much skin is or isn’t displayed.Before humans clothed themselves, the body played the primary part in the biological necessity of sexual attraction. Human beings were programmed more simply. The naked body was on display twenty-four seven, and so sensuousness - that supreme aphrodisiac - was all our ancestors relied on.

But as we learned to wear clothes and “dress up” our bodies became merely a servant of our ego-driven concerns. Too many people today are so desensitized in their bodies, exiled in their intellects, dominated by emotions or imprisoned by their defenses and insecurities, that they are passing through life without ever knowing the miracle of fully inhabiting a vitally alive, sensuous and sensitive body; let alone know how to refine their basic and fundamentally primal sensuousness to project sexual attractiveness.For me the issue shouldn’t be how much skin is too much skin but what does your body "say" when it "speaks"? Does it have a voice, a particular tone, or tenor? Does it give a fair and empowering voice to your deeper emotions, your sexual interest, your sexual desires and desirability?

Natural attractiveness may be a given, but many of us can increase our sexual attractiveness just by being able to be and live in our body and by learning how to use the body expressively as an intelligent communicator of ideas, emotions, sexual interest and desire. The intriguing skill is to know how to choose the most effective move, optimize the energy available at that moment, as well as turn the verbal and non-verbal hints offered by the other person into a unique, unusual personal and emotional experience. Once acquired, these advantage-gaining qualities are available for life.

Fear of Commitment

One of a growing number of reasons frustrated singles turn to the help of a dating coach is to help them overcome fear of commitment or help them deal with a lover’s fear of commitment.If you’ve been reading my articles, by now you know that for many years I was a commitment phobic. In one case, I backed out of a proposal the moment the words “yes” left my mouth. I got out of that one by pretending the “yes” was a joke. The other time, I just didn’t turn up at my own wedding - left the groom waiting at the altar. The third time, I really wanted to conquer the fear I had of commitment and decided the best way to do this was to do the “proposing”.

Needless to say, I really made a complete ass of myself. The guy said “no”. As it turns out, it was the same guy I had said “yes” to and backed out by claiming it was a joke. The joke was on me the second time round…So how did I overcome my fear of commitment - by facing my “demons” head on. My own experiences have provided me a lot of reference in my work helping other people overcome their own fears of commitment.If you are fighting “commitment phobia”, you will identify with one or more of the most common fears men and women have about the commitment. And who knows may be you too will soon be enjoying a fabulous committed relationship – I am! And if you are in a relationship with someone struggling with making a decision as to whether to move on or not, you can show him or her that you are sensitive to his or her fears by helping him or her discover and confront his/her fears. Some these fears and anxieties are obvious; others are subtle.

1. Fear of the unknown

New experiences and demands can be stressful. You don't know just what is round the corner, and you worry about this. You are more content to stick with status quo than to opt for an uncertain future.This fear is especially pronounced in those people who lack self-confidence and the fear can escalate when demands are made on us.

2. Fear of making a mistake

The decision not to decide is itself a decision, and frequently a mistake! This fear is common among men and women who have more choices they can pick from and the more the choices the greater the fear. You fear that you will regret the decision tomorrow, next week, or next month and so delay and drag out the process hoping that you won’t make a mistake or fail.

3. Fear of losing family and friends

We all rely on the support of family and friends. You fear losing those people who do not approve of your decision (family, friends, children from previous marriage etc) because you have a strong need for the social approval of others. But this fear is not simply about not being able to handle their anger or rejection but fear of when things go wrong – and having them say “I told you so”.

4. Fear of losing control

We all want to feel that we have choices and are in control. And part of the sense of control is in being able to control the timing of a relationship (when and how it’ll happen). What usually happens is that everything is going on well, but once you feel that you are losing that control you freak out and back off.Often if we have a bad experience we are influenced by it and almost expect history to repeat itself, setting up negative expectations. To overcome your fears pay attention to what you are privately saying to yourself when confronted with fear? What are the are your underlying personal beliefs about the fear. Write these beliefs on the left side of a piece of paper. On the right side, challenge your beliefs as if you were on the opposite side of a debate. Next, go back to the last time(s) you experienced any of the fears above and didn't cope well with it leading you to doubt yourself. Ask yourself, “What is the worst thing that will happen this time?" Then again challenge your beliefs as if you were on the opposite side of a debate. You’ll be surprised how easy this is. By taking another side from your usually mindset, you’ll open your mind to another viewpoint.

Courtship, Attracting Love and Soul Mate

My people have a very interesting concept rooted in the cycles of life. In this ancient teaching, we are told that to fully celebrate life and feel alive, we must approach life with all our “three faces” together: the face of our childhood, the face of our youth and the face of our adulthood. Our three faces keep us alive and energized, once we lose the ability to carry all these three faces together we live a life of the living dead.1. Our child face, the face of wonder and magicOur child face is that part of us that sees wonder and magic all around us. It is the part of us that is joyful, playful, intuitive, dreams and desires -there are no limits, anything is possible. Our child face is open to possibilities and to outcomes and expands our being.Let yourself go and just dream. What if you could just have what you wanted and wished for? What would your life look like, feel like? How would you make that person feel intensely loved, appreciated and supported? How exciting and fulfilled would your life be? Raise your expectations. Believe that you deserve the best. Armed with your dream and vision keep your heart and mind open to a partner who holds similar dreams and vision of life. Rather than being focused on “this is how a relationship SHOULD look like”, bring forward your child face which says “I wonder what we will create together”. Sometimes it takes the eyes of a child to emerge from our narrow-mindedness and limitations to embrace the magical person right in front of our nose.2. Our youth face, the face of passion and desireThe face of our youth is that part of us that is lives with fire of passion and desire to express who we are. It’s that part of us that holds our sensuality, passion, spontaneity, unpredictability and vitality. It is the part of us that is highly energized, creative, motivated and inspired.Tap into our youthful energy and “let’s have some fun” mindset, take advantage of all the fun ways available all around you to meet compatible singles.

Accept invitations that come your way, even if it means going solo. You might just have a good time and won’t know unless you go
Start a new tradition, something that befits your single life. If you’ve recently become single, there is no gain in longing for what once was, but rather much joy in exploring what is and what can be. Get together with your single friends, ask them to bring along one or two platonic friends, relatives or co-workers of the opposite sex. Add spice to the party with some interesting “get-to-know” games. Conversation will flow and you just never know who showed up right at your own doorstep.
Do something outside yourself—something for someone else. There is something so attractive and magnetic about somebody doing something for say a lonely senior, homeless or disadvantaged child. Not only are you helping the less fortunate, you might just meet him/her doing exactly the same thing.
If you find a person who shares your dreams, has the same attitude, passion and vision about life and is as concerned about your happiness and your pursuit of your life’s dreams, as he/she is about his/her own, chances are you have found your soul mate.3. Our elder's face , the face of insight and wisdomOur elder’s face, inner voice, inner mentor, realized self or as we say in Swahili “mzee” is the part of us that is strong and wise and comes with age and insight. It is that part of us that encompass the concerns of a larger worldview, is meditative, reflective and is a source of courage. It is the knowing part of us simply waiting to be listened to and guide us to people and situations where love connections can be made.Tap into your elder’s face to truly understand what intimate relationships are all about and stay focused on what matters most to you and your future. Use your elder’s face to reflect on how far you’ve come, where you are now on your quest for your soul mate, and what you need to do to allow love to find you. Take time to work on yourself, and all facets of your life. Lose a few pounds if you need to, clean your apartment, attend a self-empowerment seminar, spend more time in mediation, connect with family and friends. The more you expand yourself, the more potential partners you will meet who mirror you in every facet of life and bring you closer to your soul mate.Make a conscious commitment to be conscious, aware and alive. Enjoy the sensuality of the moment. Avoid obsessing on what should have, could have, might have, instead focus on what is NOW. Each person, encounter and each relationship is unique. Allow yourself to consciously explore each person and each relationship.And just a little bit more doze of African ancient wisdom, always remember:
When it begins, it is the right time
Whoever shows up, is exactly the right person
Whatever happens, it is the only thing that could have happened
When it’s over, it’s OVER.

Real Men Don't Pretend Or Even Try To Understand Women

A female client of mine asked me the other day: Why can't men understand our feelings and emotions? Why can't they figure out what we women want?For a few moments I sat quiet with a smile on my face. I was reminded of yet another client I had a session with just a few days before. He’d been working with me for six months when he met a wonderful woman he believes is his soul mate. But after dating her for only three weeks he called me asking to schedule a session as soon as possible. He said it was a matter of life and death.

After the formal greetings he spat it out:" I thought I KNEW her but I think I really don’t KNOW her. Isn’t that weird? Why is it so difficult to know a woman? Do women make themselves intentionally mysterious or is that their true character?"It’s a nice thought that men will someday understand women, but trying to understand women to the point of “Aha! I get it all now!” is futile. Any time I hear a man say he understands women, I find myself wondering, “Do you actually understand women, or do you just recognize patterns in their behavior.”I’ve been with my man for six years. We have a wonderful relationship. He’s a real man who isn’t afraid to cry in front of me, apologize when he is wrong, admit when he is feeling insecure and ask for my advice and help when he needs it. But he doesn’t tip toe around me for fear of offending me. He knows when to draw the line in the sand and look me in the eye and tell me to shut up when my hormonal bickering becomes too much. He isn’t shy when it comes to tearing my blouse open or whispering profanities in my ear. He owns his mind and let’s me own mine, but I don’t think I'll ever understand him any more than he’ll understand me.

Women are definitely not men, men are not women. Men don’t understand women any better than women understand men. And working with many single men and women, and couples just starting a life together, I have come to the conclusion that relationships cannot be fully understood, only fully experienced.A good relationship is not demanding understanding but being able to accept that we will never completely understand each other and consciously choosing to enjoy each other's differences, as long as they are not destructive. We simply choose to love each other for being the mysterious creatures that we are. Such loving is a celebration of both identity and difference: rejoicing in feeling at one with the other, while at the same time delighting in the other's difference, their uniqueness and distinctness of being. In a wonderful book titled 'Soul Mates,' Thomas Moore says pretty much the same thing. He believes that instead of trying to analyze or manipulate or fix relationships, we spend more time being attuned to their fundamental mystery.Personally I believe that we have a great deal to learn from nature and life itself. The ancients and indigenous people have known for thousands of years that mystery, suspense and enjoyment are intimately connected, and removing the curtain that divides us takes away much of the fun and fulfillment in men and women relationships.

I think it was the Dalai Lama's brother who said (in an NPR interview) something like, "If you shine a bright light into every corner of your apartment, it will become unliveable."Yes, cold and distant don't work anymore and open communication is more important than ever as people lose their last bit of tolerance for bullshit, but let’s not be in too much of a rush to the opposite end. I'm talking about keeping a healthy, scintillating balance. Taking the time to actually pay attention to each other and then going out of our way to charm, delight and make the other person gasp!.Mystery is an aphrodisiac! When you know everything, there is nothing left to discover. No more surprises, no more wonder, no more passion....

What is their SECRET?

Have you ever found yourself so engulfed in a man or woman to the point where you are totally convinced that the two of you have a “divine” connection because they have a special way of making you feel “warm and fuzzy” inside or feel very special?. May be it’s your boss, the pastor at your local church, the cute girl next door or a perfect stranger you just met. The eyes, hug or a hand shake did the trick; but there was just something about the person that made your libido sit up and howl.That something, my dear, is what is known as sexual aura or sexual presence.Some people have it oozing from every pore of their skin while the rest of us spend thousands of dollars in speed seduction seminars or hours and hours surfing the internet for the next sociological study to tell us how to be magnetic to the opposite sex.

Whether instinctively or through practice these people have developed a particular way of BE -ing present, which among other things, is an ingredient of their erotic presence. We are attracted to the way the person experiences him or herself, or at least how we perceive they experience the world around them, and feel sorely tempted to initiate first contact with them even knowing the consequences.But what REALLY makes these people so magnetic? What is their SECRET?Simple. They present themselves to others with no other intention than to be fully seen – not to impress, not to influence or deceive but be open and let their sexual Being-ness be seen. Any size or shape, magnetic people simply show and everything just "happens”.Many of us however have constrained ourselves in the way we experience ourselves sexually. Whether it is in how we live in our body - we restrict our movement and become really rigid and inflexible in those parts of our body that we associate with the sexual or sex or limiting sexual attitudes and beliefs scripted through custom and habit.When with the opposite sex and trying to attract one, we select sides of ourselves to present that we think are favourable. In most instances, our language and actions are equally selected to correspond or match the side of us we’re trying to present. We chose a side to present because we feel that one side of ourselves is stronger or more acceptable to the other person, but mostly we chose based on an insecurity that we are hiding: long suppressed feelings of vulnerability resulting from the countless negative messages about sex and sexual pleasure that we were fed with in our childhood or emotional and sexual wounds from sexual abuse and unhealthy early modes of sexual and erotic transference and learning.

We consider these parts of ourselves to be defective, inadequate or bad, and we hide them, hoping like a child, that no one will see.We fear that if we let others see these parts of us, they will see these shamed, insecure, vulnerable and hurt parts of ourselves and they too will find us defective or unattractive. Because we don’t accept and embrace all our innermost feelings, thoughts and intimate interpersonal issues, including our sexual desires and urges, or even are aware of them, we don't believe that the other person will accept them either. This in turn forces our intimate connections to remain emotionally shallow and physically superficial. These separate parts of us that we are trying to hide are what sends us out to seek affirmation and refutation of our own sense of self through all sorts of self-sabotaging techniques that do no favour or good to the person we are trying to seduce.Don’t think that you can “hide" behind pick-up lines and seduction scripts and expect to look into a mirror and see “sexiness”, not to mention expect others to see it. Your ego can stand tall and pretend that you are some kind of idealized version of yourself but often those you try to be intimate with sense those hidden parts of you and respond in different ways.Even if you are able to “fool” someone with a “sexy” outfit, “sexy” moves, pick up lines and techniques or even “good” communication skills, at some point in your life together you are bound to “slip up” or simply just get tired of “acting” scripts. When this happens an inner switch flips inside of the other person which creates an invisible barrier and even though that process and the barrier are invisible, they are still very real and very obvious - the attractiveness and magnetism just isn't there anymore!

Sometimes, if they have parts of themselves they are trying to hide too, they’ll join in the cover up. You will get a few hits from equally insecure men and women, but after a while you’ll feel as empty and worthless as before because the deeper parts of you will cry out or more than a romp in the sack with a really insecure man or woman!To become an empowered attractive and magnetic man or woman, you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable. You have to open to the deeper parts of yourself. You have to practice presenting yourself with no other intention than to be fully seen – not to impress, not to influence or deceive but be open and let your sexual Being-ness be seen.It's only by allowing ourselves to be fully known by another that we allow ourselves to be fully loved.

Beyond First Date, Second Date To Third Date

So you made it through the first date with this new man/woman and he/she’s intrigued you. You find him/her attractive, enjoyable to be around, and with the little bit of information you’ve been able to obtain at your first contact, he/she seems to meet some of your personal requirements and needs for a potential lover thus far. So now you want to get your date's attention, pique his/her interest, but how do you do it? In dating, it's not only what you do, but also what you don't do that makes the difference between getting a second, third or even fourth date and never hearing from the person again. Here are some of the key things to remember as you transition from a first date to a second date to a relationship.

1. Avoid asking for a second date right away

Try always to avoid asking for a date on the date. Preferably suggest "I'd like to see you again," rather than ask "what are you doing Friday?". Exchange telephone numbers and leave a memorable last impression. If the first date went great, both of you will spend the next day or two analyzing every word and every gesture to convince yourselves that it really was as good as it was. Women usually expect the man to call first. Some guys are knocked over to meet women confident enough to call them but most men are not. And most not "too eager' guys will call after three or four days from the first date - realistically may be a week. If you are the one asking for a second date, keep it short and sweet.

2. Be real

When you can not express your true identity, you lose perspective on who you are and how to act in a relationship. People who have been hurt so much or suffer from low self-esteem may attempt to conceal their true identity in order to protect themselves but no matter who you are trying to be, that real you is bound to come out.

3. Do not bring baggage from past relationships

Many singles bring baggage from old relationships into the new relationships. They unconsciously expect the same response from the person they are dating: watching his/her every move, waiting for something to go wrong- and it usually does. The fastest way to make someone run away is to constantly bring up the difficulties in your life caused by others. As a smart single, be aware that if a person has a lot of drama in his or her life, they’ll bring it into yours.

4. Make no assumptions

This rule is timeless. Many singles tend to go on dates with expectations and assumptions but it gets worse, after a few good dates, some singles may begin to get the idea that they are now an item. Do not assume that because you've fallen for someone, that person feels the same way about you. Allow the other person to reach that point on his or her own and be aware that he or she may never feel the way you feel. Forcing a relationship that hasn't yet developed may prove detrimental.

5. Keep all potential romance doors open
This one especially applies to men. If a woman senses nothing but friendly intent from you, boom: into the friend/brother category you go. While it is good to be friendly and "nice", craving approval may actually undermine your relationships and happiness. In dating, it can be disastrous. My suggestion to you is to make it very clear what your intentions are. That means don't entertain stories about other guys she's interested in. Don't accept go to the movies when her first choice guy (or girlfriend) is unavailable etc. Make it clear you want to be the man in her life.

6. Lighten up!

Some singles, especially women make the big mistake of attempting to lay down the law too soon. They are so eager to bring up what they will and won't stand for when dating a man that they forget that it’s just a date and are you simply getting to know the person. Never put too many demands to force the person to make a decision prematurely.

7. Avoid focusing on money

On a first or even second date never ask someone how much they make and if their credit is good, unless you were expecting them to show up with check stubs, bank statements and credit reports in hand. Also avoid spending extravagantly too soon. Keep it at the pace at which you want the relationship to progress. That way, no one feels that the other is trying to get him/her to owe them or is using them.

8. Avoid sex too soon

Introducing sexual intimacy into the relationship too quickly may be the quickest route to the demise of healthy and long-term relationship. Keep those pants on and hormones in check! Unless you want to define your budding relationship solely by sex, jumping into bed too quickly can confuse and blur your assessment process. Sex does change things and you don’t want to sabotage a potentially good thing by being sexual too early before a foundation of trust, rapport, and security has been established between the two of you. So, cool it for now. It will be that much hotter when the time is right!9. Accept that rejection is a part of life You may think you've met the one but he or she doesn't return your call after the second time you called, or your e-mails keep bouncing back to you, or you page him/her to no avail. Like acceptance, rejection is just part of life. Keep it in perspective, take responsibility for your actions, learn from it but more than that regroup quickly and get back in the game. The fact that some one isn't interested doesn't mean that you don't have excellent attributes and talents. To not risk rejection is to not live life.

10. When you're in doubt be patient and persistent
Happiness is likely to be just a date away!

Power, Confidence & Sex Appeal!

It's almost unnecessary to explain why some people are considered the sexiest people alive. Just look at them! Their sensuous appeal starts visually. Their very smooth and soft skin, perfect proportions, legs that are long and beautifully formed etc.But what if I told you that only 20% of lasting sex appeal is about physical appearance and 20% about your intelligence. The remaining 60% is all about having a genuine masculine confidence or genuine feminine confidence.People who have greater sexual appeal mostly have confidence in their masculinity and femininity. They have apparent effortlessness, eyes twinkling with good humour, an infectious smile, a greater appetite for life and greater confidence. They find it easier to get what they desire in life because they are naturally magnetic and people like to be around them.

We might not agree on exactly what makes the person so magnetic but if someone accused us of having it, we wouldn't argue with them. Something so attractive about them makes us all want to have it. Sexual confidence is something one feels on the inside, yet also must project on the outside in order for it to truly come across to whom ever you may be coming in contact with. It concerns your values and emotions and how you feel about yourself as well as your sexual behaviour, who you are attracted to and how you choose to express, channel and focus your innate and raw sexual energy.
Is sexual confidence something that is natural? Sometimes….sometimes not. Depends on how you were raised. How you feel about yourself. What you were programmed with as a child. Much of our sexual confidence comes from having a confident perception of oneself as a desirable sexual man or sexual woman.
Signs indicative of genuine masculine or feminine confidence are confusing today and gender roles are a chaotic mess but when it comes to dating and mating, we are not all that different from our ancestors in that we instinctually look for clues to a man's or woman's level of masculine or feminine confidence... and test it to the limit... A man or woman lacking sexual confidence may turn off the opposite sex by using defense mechanisms that, in themselves, become ongoing problems for him or her. A sexually confident man or woman on the other hand, will find it much easier to attract others of the opposite sex. So, before you engage in a serious dating relationship that has the possibility of lasting for a lifetime your sexual confidence needs be at a good level. The same is true for anyone you date.
Sexual confidence whether you are beautiful, good looking, plain, smart, nice, mean, rich, poor old, young - is an unavoidable social skill which can and must be learned if what you want is the greatest intimate relationship of your life.
Now as you know, confidence is an attitude thing. You can easily emit cool sexual confidence by merely adjusting your attitude. The more positive your attitude towards yourself, the opposite sex, sexuality, humanity and life in general, the more sex appeal you will radiate.
These simple exercises will help you feel more poised and confident at home and out in the world. The goal is to take the feelings of confidence, control and sexiness you get from doing them out in the real world.
Start by doing these exercises alone, then do them in front of your partner, a friend, or a family member with whom you feel comfortable. Even your pet will do! First, walk around your bedroom or living room while moving your arms all around. Reach to the sides, swing them above your head and so on. Let your body take over the entire space tell yourself that you own the room. The idea is to "occupy the territory," like in the early days of hunters and gatherers. If you're in the mood, put on your favorite music and dance. Nothing is sexier! If you're feeling especially daring, take off all of your clothes and move around naked. When the space feels completely yours, move on to the next exercise.This exercise will help you develop more poise and confidence. Naturally, when you feel poised and confident, you also look this way. Stand opposite a full-length mirror, as far away from the mirror as you can get. Relax your body and breathe deeply for a few minutes. Watch your posture and make sure you are standing very straight, with your shoulders down and relaxed and your feet planted firmly. Imagine your upper body being pulled toward the ceiling by invisible strings while your feet and legs are pulled toward the floor. Walk slowly toward the mirror, pointing your toes with each step and caressing the floor with your feet. Think of yourself as a lion, lioness, a king, a queen, a movie star or any other empowered person who suits your fantasy. While continuing to watch yourself in the mirror, sit down on a sofa or chair. Do this slowly and gracefully. Magnify all your gestures. It's okay to exaggerate to make sure half of what you do will eventually become part of who you are and how you act in the real world. If you're adventurous, invite your partner or opposite sex friend to sit on a chair wearing a blindfold while you move around the room. Ask him or her to imagine that his or her hands are tied to the chair and tell him he or she cannot talk. The idea is for you to think of him or her as being confined and of yourself as being free to move around however you wish. Experience the feeling of being in control, of feeling superior. Remember, this is only play. If you are doing it with a partner and would like to take this to the next step, remove your clothes and continue the exercise in the nude. Whether you decide to tell your partner that you are taking off your clothes is up to you. Just be sure he or she does not remove his or her blindfold. Remember how you felt while performing these exercises, then recall that feeling the next time you enter a a conference room, party or your bedroom! The goal is to be able to enter a space with the kind of quiet assertiveness that makes others stop and notice you.The attitude of confidence doesn't even have to be constant, just generally present most of the time.

Connecting Emotionally On A First Date

We live at a time when forming sexual relationships is getting more and more complicated. We're bombarded with information and statistics glamorizing dating and making it look so easy. TV shows such as "Sex and the City," ‘The Bachelor” and many other “hook up” shows are all filled with images of pseudo-witty, independent and sexually "liberated" wannabes all wrapped up in Gucci, sipping pink cocktails and exploring Kama Sutra with a non-stop string of well to do suitors. But for many of us it's not happening that way in real life.

Not only is dating frustrating, it appears we are quickly forgetting how to connect with the opposite sex in a meaningful, fulfilling and lasting way. We're playing the Dating Game but no one seems to know what to do anymore.

Just the other day, a client described to me how she found herself arguing with a guy she really liked over who should pay for the meal. The ridiculous situation came up because of all the confusion over who pays for what and when it is a date. Often a man or woman will ask someone of the opposite sex out for coffee or to the movies thinking they are just hanging out. Then he or she offers to pay and the whole outing becomes “confusing” because the person begins wondering if it’s a “trick date”.

Why does something as natural as finding someone to be with have to be such a struggle?

Both men and women I have talked to tell me they think that the feminist revolution which ushered in so many great achievements and remarkable progress in gender equality also brought along confusion between the sexes leaving many vulnerable and confused. We seem to know our gender rights and boundaries in all areas except when it comes to sexual relationships. Here the boundaries become fuzzy and even keep shifting depending on the circumstances. I agree that there is so much confusion as to who does what, to who, for how long and when, I also think that there is an additional dynamic driving today's dating game.

In the old days, men and women spent time getting to know each other often becoming good friends before the relationship became romantic and/or sexual. During a date, the man consciously tries to make a woman happy, doing everything he does to gain her attention and affection. The woman on the other hand encourages him with admiration, respect, and appreciation for even the smallest things he does for her. But these days it sort of works backwards. It starts out with mostly romantic dinners, romantic emails, expensive gifts and sex and then it builds into a friendship - that is if a couple even ever gets to the friendship level.

There are many couples today who get married and have never developed a friendship at all. They live like two perfect strangers who occasionally find something in common to say to each other or do together. Intimacy is a task instead of a given; accountability and responsibility are burdens rather than freedoms; creativity and humor is lacking in every aspect of their lives and relationship. It is practical prison

In today's dating arena, both men and women tend to seek after commitment first and foremost. Before they even go out with you on a date, they want to know if you are willing and ready for commitment. Because commitment is very high priority on the agenda, there is an enormous (and unnecessary) pressure on the date to progress in a certain way. Sometimes one or both parties have expectations but these expectations are never explicitly discussed and both parties are left second guessing each other.

Asking someone out is really hard for both men and women. Getting to know someone on an intimate and meaningful way is even harder. For someone interested in more than just superficial, self-absorbed, egotistic, selfish and manipulative dating, you may have to figure out new rituals of connection and intimacy that make it possible for you to connect and stay emotionally close to your date.

Let's say you are attracted to the teller at the bank. You could flirt, deliver your best pick-up line, and ask what time he or she gets off, but you anticipate (rightly) that they may not be comfortable mixing business with pleasure.

So, what do you do?

I have listed here a few suggestions that might make it a little easier to ask someone out and actually manage to have a "fun" date. These suggestions can be used equally by men and women, however, I do realize that individuals need to make their own decisions about how they want to date and I do believe that it’s important that each individual make his or her own decisions. Please look at these only as guidelines and not rules.

You smile, make eye contact, Introduce yourself, ask their name, make small talk, pay a compliment, anything you would do to be friendly with anyone in any setting. The purpose of this first contact is to walk away having left a positive impression.

Return to bank within 48 - 72 hours. The purpose is to try to discover whether he or she is even slightly interested. Now that you are on a first name basis you can start with small talk and add some personal "I was sort of hoping that you'd be here when I came in". Note their reaction- positive, negative or neutral. Towards the end of the transaction say "I really enjoy talking with you." Leave another positive impression, this time based upon something real about you.

If you are one of those women shy about asking men out, say "I really enjoy talking with you. Here is my card. I would love for you to call or e-mail me sometime". The problem with this is that now you can not call or email him without appearing "desperate" or "coming on too strong".

Preplan what you want to do - where you want to go, and when you want to do it, before asking the person out. And I think this is true whether you ask the person out in person or over the phone. If you do ask someone out over the phone it’s important that you make clear just who you are. There are a lot of John’s or Mary’s in the world and it’s hard to distinguish who you are just on the basis of a first name or the sound of your voice.

Make some sort of personal connection by reminding them of the conversation you’ve had in the past - or in what other context you know them. This makes it a little more personal.

Ask someone to do something casual as opposed to a more formal date. With something casual, there doesn’t have to be a lot of heavy planning. Examples would be to ask someone to have coffee after work, to look at pictures in a gallery or go play tennis at a public park. That kind of request may be easier for someone to say yes to than a more formal kind of date like going to dinner or a concert.

Tell the person what you plan to do. For example, saying "Would you like to play tennis on Thursday?" lets the person know what he or she might be saying yes to—both INTEREST and AVAILABILITY. Asking in this way is typically construed as friendly, non-threatening, and respectful. You are giving him or her lots of room to decline easily and gracefully. This more direct approach is more likely to be successful than something as indirect as saying, "What are you doing Saturday night?"

It’s also good to let the other person know why you want to go out with him or her. For example, " you seem like a really interesting person" or "it seems that we have a lot in common". You're just being authentically, benignly and innocently friendly. It is very helpful for you and for them to know why you want to go out with him or her and most people would be flattered and positive; don't worry about the people that take you the wrong way, they are simply screening themselves out.

If the other person says “yes” and you end up out on a date (I prefer to think of it as doing something together), do not to start by asking a lot of questions about the other person because this tends to put the other person on the spot. Instead, it’s best to start by giving information about yourself. Very briefly talk about what you’re interested in, what you are into and then ask a question or two about them to get the conversation going.

Once the conversation takes off, try not to talk too much about yourself instead focus on the person before you and you might just discover how good you are at picking up other people’s vibes. Most people are often too concerned about what they’ve said or what they’re going to say next that they don’t really pick up what it is that is being conveyed to them.

Listening involves paying attention to what the person is trying to tell you verbally and what he or she is actually saying non-verbally. It’s important to let the person know they’ve been heard and understood. Ask a meaningful questions about what was said, how a person feels about what he or she did etc. Finally, you can talk about yourself, either how or when you felt in a similar situation – maybe it was the same as they felt, maybe different. This allows you and your date to communicate on a more personal level.

Another way to get the conversation going on a personal intimate level is to share the feelings that you’re having at the immediate time. For example, if you’re at a movie that’s boring, you can turn to your date and say, "This is a really boring movie," chances are they are going to respond by agreeing with you. In this instance, it’s best to be honest even though sometimes honesty may make you uncomfortable. This might even provide a good laugh for both of you and really ease the experience and make it more pleasurable.

If the person says "no" to your request for a date, don’t necessarily think that it means that he or she doesn’t ever want to do something with you. Take into account the tone of the conversation and the sincerity in the excuse they give you. For some people, the timing isn’t right because of other commitments or because they are preoccupied or stressed about other things. For some, the activity you are proposing might not be something they have interest in. So if you presume that the only reason you’re being turned down is that there is something wrong with you, you may be making a very big mistake

It is true, however, that some people just don’t hit it off together and there may not be anything you can do about that except to look for someone whose interests are more like your own. You also need to keep in mind that a person’s accepting a date may not mean anything beyond the acceptance of that given date. You should keep your focus on having an enjoyable date rather than planning for any particular future with that person based on their accepting the date.

That said, nobody is perfect at this process, but you can have a lot of fun meeting new people, so the effort can pay off if you give it a try. And, like with any skill, you can get better at it with practice.

I hope that these suggestions will empower you to take more initiative and be a successful single.

Creating A Dating Plan That Love Magnetizes You

Many people openly and consciously yearn for a soul mate and even believe that there is that “right” person is out there for them but few make the dream a reality. The search for love and intimacy with one’s soul mate is not for everyone and certainly not for the faint-hearted. This is a path for those who aren’t just looking for wholeness, or to be part of a couple, it is a path for people who are interested in a love that opens them, and takes them into the depths of their own souls, own being and beyond.

Before heading off in quest for your soul mate, it would be wise to have a conscious plan of where exactly you are going and what you are looking for; otherwise you risk getting lost in the jungles of the unknown and arriving to the wrong destination.

The person who has thought something through is usually the one that gets the result they are looking for. A plan with a list of concrete actionable steps is one of the keys to reaching your relationship goal. It gives you the guidelines and determination to make the first steps, gradually moving closer to your soul mate dream.

If you really want to attract your soul mate then you must put the energy you generate swinging between hope and desperation into focused purposeful actions steps that are fun, magical, full of spontaneity and imagination and that move you closer to your soul mate. To help you create a plan that is balanced, realistic, well thought-out and most importantly one that works I have listed below principles and strategies already used successfully by many others to manifest their soul mate reality sooner. Here goes:

Decide what you want (emotionally, intellectually, physically, sexually, spiritually etc.). Sit down and work out what life is all about to you and what you believe in. What is your vision for a fulfilling relationship? What level of commitment are you looking for? Are your beliefs and values empowering or limiting you?. Look at previous relationships, what was good and bad about them, what happened and what have you learned about yourself, about what you want and what you can not tolerate? What thoughts, words, beliefs, actions, things need to be changed (or removed) for you to be in alignment with what you want? By making the decision to align your attention to your intention you are telling your unconscious mind that you are serious about finding your soul mate.

Break it down into small, clear, actionable steps. Understanding how we manifest our soul mate reality is already mind boggling as it is without us over-complicating things further with fantasies, myths, empty hopes or hype. These things deny us the power to truly transform to the point where we attract a soul mate or create a truly fulfilling relationship. A well thought-out plan that works must be simple and realistic. Breaking down a complicated concept such as this into small actionable steps makes it manageable. When you have manageable steps, you have a process you can more easily track. When you have a process you can more easily track, you have much more control and accountability. When you have more control and accountability you’ll attract love more easily and sooner.

Love magnetize yourself. It’s fullness and not emptiness that makes a relationship work. You know you are operating from a fullness mode when you are so full of love that you just can’t wait to offer some of your abundance to others. When you are truly in touch with your goodness, you’ll find that it overflows and that same goodness will return to touch you sooner than later. Do your inner work and get rid of the mental and emotional obstacles that obstruct you from unconditional love because when self-love develops without the capacities of spirit you become more focused on what you can get rather than what you can give and give in order to get. A relationship is not a possession, it is a process. You don’t acquire one, you get into one. The more you fill up your “emptiness”, the more you will grow and the easier it will be for you to attract someone special

Create an emotional snapshot. Basically this is an internalized emotional picture of how great you’ll feel when you’re with the right person, not what your love interest looks like, or what he or she does, but how you feel when you’re around them. Be outrageous and let your imagination fly. This does not mean thinking unrealistic, pie-in-the-sky stuff, like being able to suddenly perform superhuman feats. It means allowing yourself to stretch and believe in the beauty of your dreams. This will help you get in touch with and engage your emotional self. It will get you in a place within yourself where you really believe it can happen. If you don’t, it won’t. Get courtship smart. Many people wait until they are in a wonderful relationship to start learning what makes a relationship great unaware that great relationships begin with your ability to court differently and feel confident and comfortable about yourself and about your sexuality. Take the time to learn whatever there is that will increase your sexual confidence. Learn the things that make you a great partner, lover, companion, friend and spouse. This is one way of attracting another great person.

Become your own dating service. You could meet your soul mate anywhere—it could be a current love interest, a person with whom you are already in a relationship, or the man or woman just down the block. Yes, you may even find yours in a chat room or he/she could walk right into your own living room. Does that mean that you should not get out and date? I don’t think so. Get out and meet people. The great thing about meeting as many people as you can is that the more you know about others the more you learn about yourself, and the more you know about yourself the more able you are to recognize your soul mate when you meet him or her. Your attitude should be “I commit myself to learning everything I can from this person and this experience.” Simply saying “Hi” with a smile when someone looks at you is powerful enough.

Trust, let go and never give up. We all go through a lot of trials and tribulations before we find someone special to love. There’s nothing wrong with temporary drawbacks. How we plan our dating and courtship is up to each of us as individuals, men and women, based on our values, morals, and who we are. Some people like to keep a learning journal. If you are one of those people, use a notebook, or a computer file. Jot down your actionable steps and visit your plan once a week. Other people find this process much more effective when they have a friend, coach or mentor to act as a “sounding board” and keep them on track. Pick someone who can be objective and give you honest feedback on your performance. Tell them what you hope to achieve. Talk with them at regular intervals review what you plan to do next and to get feedback on how you’re progressing. Always remember to make a note of how you are doing. (Give yourself a “reward” when you’ve achieved some of the things you set out to do!).

The point is to devise a strategy to get unstuck when you get discouraged and down on yourself. If your first plan fails, try another plan. If that plan fails, try another and so on and so on. Keep trying until you find a plan that works. Often times we fail because we lack persistence in creating new plans in the place of those that fail. You only fail when you give up.

Attracting your soul mate starts with believing that the universe WANTS you to experience such JOY... ends with TAKING ACTION to change your life. Don’t wait until you meet your soul mate to start loving. Make loving a part of your life and others will fall in love with you!

The Hypocrisy Of Sacred Sexuality!

Our present obsession with "holy" bonking (ooops... sorry, Sacred Sex) has become yet another obsession that borders the absurd. In our frantic effort to justify why we should have more sex (with some emotion) in our lives we've managed yet again to climb to another level of hypocrisy.As if it is not enough that many people secretly enjoy the sexual urges within themselves, try kinky stuff, use porn to get off, drink aphrodisiacs and have a little some-some hidden away in a drawer somewhere but will not openly admit that they enjoy sex, now here comes "holy" erotics... With the new wave of consciousness and spiritual enlightenment came the "evil" twin. Many of us are having a lot of trouble telling one from the other. I especially want to caution my fellow women to be very weary of the SOBs disguised as Sacred Sex Instructors or Sexual Healers. I am not saying all of the instructors and healers out there are fakes, but check the person out thoroughly before you ever think of allowing anyone to take advantage of your vulnerability. I've worked with women who've been enticed into all sorts of sexual exploits in the name of sexual healing, sacred sex or spiritual elevation only to end up with sexually transmitted diseases and broken hearts. This is no joke.One of my clients told me about a holistic healer and sacred sex instructor who says he has the "gift" of helping women with infertility, sexual problems and childhood sexual abuse issues etc. I trained in trauma counselling specializing in childhood sexual abuse and related adult issues, I had to see this holistic healer for myself, may be learn a few things from him. I found the place to be a small downtown hideout with two rooms. In one, the brother sees clients and from the consultation room you can see through the open door into the other room which basically has a tiny bed all decked out in very expensive "African" themed decor; leopard , zebra, giraffe etc - stunning!. The "sexual healer" himself is damn good looking; a dark tall lean angular figure, gorgeous dreadlocks, alert piercing mystical eyes and set of perfect milk-white teeth against a coal black gum which makes his smile so mesmerizing. No wonder he has a stream of female clients - all races. As soon as I settled down on the mat in front of him, the brother started telling me all about my "sexual difficulties". Now that is a real joke, because anyone who knows me also knows that with me, sex and difficult - they can't belong in the same sentence. I told the brother, "no problem there". So he started something about my childhood sexual abuse and stuff. I told him I had never been abused as I child but he insisted I just don't remember it and that it was hidden somewhere in my brain. I told him where I come from child abuse is a curse, a taboo punishable by death of the person, his family and whole clan -I would have heard about it if something like that had happened on my account. He told me it was in my past life - another place and time - and that this was my fifth time round on earth. Now, I do not dispute this past lives theory, at least I am honest enough to say I don't know anything about it but I do not necessarily care for it either - there is just too much good stuff going on in this PRESENT life that I have no real need or desire to dig up buried bones, if there are any. I think the real reason I was willing to listen for over 15 minutes was because of what the brother was doing to me in the NOW. See, the "diagnosis process" involves touching in the places that can get a woman's heart pumping chaotically - at least a red blooded woman. After about 10 minutes of his magic touch, and may be because I had closed my eyes and started day dreaming - about my boyfriend, he thought he had me because he invited me to the little bed to get my "treatment". You could have heard a pin drop in the brief seconds before I went "native", "rural" or "emotional" whatever you want to call it. All the so called "civilized" came off like a cheap polyester coat. I let the brother have it the way we do it in the village, except of course lifting my dress up and cursing him with my nakedness. I called him any name I could think of and repeatedly told the brother to go to "hell" which is where he belongs! I am sure that brother had never seen anything like that before because he was cowering in the corner when I left. I was still cursing when I got onto the street car. Sss-sexual healing my hide! And there are some others who are running huge sex-trade operations in the name of holistic centers. Some of these are run by men in tight skin tight biker shorts pretending to be "gay" only to end up feeling you up with their sleazy moist hands, their frontal limp socks giving them away. The lows to which some people can stoop for free sex!It will take a level of awareness that Western society hasn't had, en masse, in past decades for us to make peace with sex and our sexual nature. Making peace with our sexed being and sexual desires is not the same as doing whatever we feel like. We do need to form consensual agreements, respectful communication and honor rituals that channel sexuality into positive forms if we are to start healing our unhealthy sexuality.

What is so sad is that we are desecrating the very sacred traditions we claim are the solution to our passionless and unfulfilling sexual experiences. Instead of teaching the form of consciousness that can strike the "the inner mystic chord" of our sexuality, our western mind is stuck on the same old way of thinking only this time using "New Age", metaphysical terminology. Very few people who teach about the sacredness of sex really have a deeper understanding of what they are talking about.

In the native worldview sex resonates with the very foundational energies of the universe and where the spiritual and the physical are all part of a whole, and all of creation is inherently sacred because it is part of the interconnected web of the WHOLE that sustains life. No BODY and no THING have to be proven worthy to be considered sacred. And just because we abuse, misuse and disuse sex doesn't make it any less sacred - SEX IS ALREADY SACRED - IT JUST IS. But of course those of us stuck in our "scientific" empirical thinking way of complicating and dividing things up into meaningless little pieces will have a hard time grasping the simplicity of life's mysteries. We're so impressed with our human minds that we are missing the point!!I've even heard Dr. Phil say, "it's all in the mind" when referring to sex and wondered what kind of sex he is talking about. Isn't there supposed to be a difference between actually having sex and having a fantasy about sex? And what is the spirit doing when you are having sex in your mind moreover using the body? Probably perched somewhere above on the ceiling, cheering or perhaps judging, condemning or shaming. And immediately after intercourse the spirit jumps right back into the body, mind or wherever it usually resides. If you've had sex - I mean with the kind of abandonment you feel in every fiber of your being - you know too well it's a lot more than a mind or body thing. Sex is an experience of the soul. And there are times when the spirit takes over, and you know - that you know - something truly divine is upon the two of you. Whether consciously or unconsciously, consensual or rape, sex can not be divided into physical or all mental because sex involves the exchange of "knowledge" at a soul level. Sex is by its very nature sacred because sexual intercourse releases tremendous energy (positive or negative) inside the human soul. What I am saying is that, even if well intentioned, our latest obsession with the "sacredness" of sex does not easily heal the split of mind and body nor does it make sex more spiritual (or sacred). Besides, over "spiritualizing" sex at a logical and intellectual level can anaesthetize the sexual experience by obstructing the natural inner flow which knows the best way intuitively. For crying aloud's sake, one does not have to be in an expanded stated of mind to passionately kiss one's wife or husband or massage a lover's feet. Of course if you are in that state that would be absolutely wonderful. If we gave sex its rightful place in all aspects of our daily lives, we might make our society more vibrant and nurturing instead of being a fertile ground for profound inhibitions and all sorts of collective obsessions. Only and only when we are able to be honest with ourselves and with others about our sexual nature and sexual desires can we ignite that sexual fire that burns deep within us and flows through every level of our human life. With that, we must allow ourselves to dream, to fantasize, to experiment, to create our own sexual animal. For many of us it means breaking free from our neurotic fear of the erotic and transcending beyond the deeply embedded negative beliefs and counterproductive attitudes. It even means re-examining some of the teachings about so -called sacred sexuality.
So back to you - what sensations drift into your consciousness as you read this? What vague feelings of dissatisfaction, disillusionment, self-consciousness or even shame about your sexual nature and sexual desires make you cringe? Is there a revelation here for you? May be it is time to define clearly what you want to do and say, to bring into being what really defines you as sexual being.

The Art Of Giving Sexual Pleasure Out Of Fullness

We all want to believe that we have now experienced a sexual revolution in our society: yes; pornographic material is distributed more freely, yes; dildos and edible panties come in more colors, yes; whips and cuffs come in all sizes, yes; vibrators have gone super high-tech in terms of design, ease and variation, yes; cyber sex is gone multicultural, but these shifts and constant search of new forms of pleasure and 'pleasure' activities have also become substitutes for the natural sensory pleasures of sexual intimacy – implications of a culture that still harbours anti-affectionate hate/fear of actual sexual intimacy itself. In the realities of relationships, both men and women are still fearful of real intimacy and are distrustful and suspicious of each other. Women distrust men who they believe are “out to take from them like thieves” and men see women as objects of fear and curiosity and treat them as such. Human to human, skin to skin intimacy still creates intense anxiety between two people who are attracted to each other and seem compatible in all areas. Even the mere touching of the arm in conversation is suspicious as each thinks it's a come-on sexually. When it comes to sex, women will grant or withhold it to “subdue” men to get what they want, and men do their best to “quickly grab” it and run away as far as they can, if not physically, emotionally. And if a sexual relationship is not pleasurable, we conclude that there must not be enough love or there is something seriously wrong with the other person. Similarly, if another person's sexual feelings or practices are substantially different from our own, most of us think there must be something terribly wrong with them. We typically do not question our perceptions, expectations and motivations, instead, we just move on to the next relationship. A continuing failure to find sexual satisfaction leads to a continuing search for new partners. For some, great or even mediocre sex is enough reason to stay in a relationship that is otherwise unfulfilling in all other aspects. The idea that two people who are intensely attracted to each other or deeply love each other depend on the other’s ability to be released pleasurably through orgasm is common in modern societies, especially in our North American society. We’ve become ritually addicted to this pleasure that we constantly hope to acquire it again and again - this is even been made easier by the use of tantric and meditative sex techniques. Our outer lives have become very complex so that we can acquire that pleasure, yet our inner lives are a theatre of jealousy, anger, long-simmering resentments, emotional wounds, memories of painful humiliations, confusions, fears of inadequacy and rejection, distrust, control and conflict, self-doubt, confusion and shame.
We may be able to reach or bring another to multiple orgasmic heights by stimulating another’s genitals to exact technical specifications but withhold our Self from them at the same moment. And while fantasy and sexual aids are an important part of lovemaking, jump-starting the body to reach orgasm while “bypassing” intimacy distracts us from what is really going on from the inside. This "horniness" model of sex is more of “sex out of emptiness” rather than “sex out of fullness”. It presumes that once we reach orgasm, we are “satisfied” and therefore can roll over and go to sleep.

It is easy to be tempted into withholding our Self from someone else because when we are most truly ourselves we are vulnerable. The brain, in a desire to "protect" will come up with all kinds of excuses, reasons and alternatives that steer us away from surrender, abandon and turning oneself over to the power of the unknown and unknowable. Because the brain interprets surrender only in negative terms, we have no reference as to how to skillfully deliberately and artfully surrender or loosen our habitual restraints. When we do go out of control or try to loosen up, we often do so rebelliously, blindly, recklessly and dangerously. If we get hurt in these times, it only reinforces the brains fear of surrender. The irony here is that, it is only by entering this door of helpless surrender that we are truly intimate. Intimacy in itself is a self-reflective process rooted in the concept of surrender - surrender to the facets of ourselves that are more unruly, highly energized, spontaneous, unpredictable, uncertain and closer to the primal forces of nature. What we experience during these new openings and expansions is almost certain to surprise us. The intensity of our true erotic yearnings, feelings, desires, and impulses and the level of awareness of what we're doing during the time we're doing it become much more crucial than all the tactile maneuvers, techniques and bedroom tricks. In determining whether or not one is satisfied "I want you to know who and what I am all about" surpasses shouting "Oh my God" in mid-orgasm. Part of the great feeling that comes with “I want you to know who and what I am all about" is in realizing that we've reached a level of sexual development where we feel desirous and desirable in and of ourselves. We know that there is a good part of us inside which we unlimitedly and unconditionally offer to another person. Our desire to share this good part of us actually enhances our ability to give pleasure to another person, make love for longer periods of time, feel more energized, stay strong and young.Achieving sexual potential isn’t about “skill", technique or dexterity; it has more to do with what's inside of us. Sexual potential and sexual intimacy begins with learning to be emotionally honest and intimate with our Self - which means we also need to develop a healthy concept of, and relationship with, our Self. We have to stop presenting ourselves the way we want to be seen, and disclose ourselves with no other goal than being truly known. To get it, we've got to accept and claim who we are; our own emotions, our own life and our own bed. We also have to stand apart from almost everything we've ever been taught about sex; throw away the cookbook recipes and preconceived notions of what works (touch ear and keeping rubbing for four minutes, kiss the neck for two minutes, next run fingers in the small of the back for another two minutes, move to the left and lift leg exactly 90 degrees, count up to fourteen, he/she's ready - and all that kind of cold and unemotional mechanical nonsense). We must strive to discover what works for us as dynamic and versatile individuals and as a couple with hearts, emotions and ability to experience the unknown and unknowable. We have to be aware, open, trusting and free to follow the intuitive and spontaneous erotic impulses of our hearts and souls, not the garbage our brain or the so called "experts" come up with.Sexual intimacy out of fullness carries with it a wonderful feeling of finally “being known”. Sexual and intimate connection with another has a very powerful effect on a person who is ready to increase their level of Spiritual Awareness. To have an intimate sexual connection with someone else we must be fully aware and present in the moment. We cannot be worrying about whether or not we will have an orgasm because we are not fully participating in the experience; we are robbing ourselves and our partner of the beauty of sexual intimacy. When deeply engrossed in the sexual act we become oblivious to extraneous noise, day-to-day reality fades, and our world ends at the edges of our bed. We keep going until our soul, not just our body, is done. When we are willing to validate ourselves, we can afford to let our partner know who we are as we are. The bedroom becomes a place for the self to be expressed and spirituality to emerge. We won’t need sex gadgets or a new outfit because the wisdom of the soul is of a far higher quality. In terms of sexual intimacy at profound intensity or emotional depth, most of us are virgins. Maybe we've "had sex" or "made love" and have had multiple “orgasms’ with one or more partners, but many of us have yet to "do" somebody or allow ourselves to be "done."

How Can A Man Spot A Good Woman?

I have been so busy this month and have not had the time to write an original piece. Many of my clients lately are men who have at some point or other in their lives been deceived and dazed by a woman’s looks. Many of them have wasted countless hours and spent small fortunes chasing after women who lied to them and basically treated them like dirt. And every time they thought it was going to be different and tried harder or did something differently hoping that the results will change, they’ve ended up frustrated and hurt. Some of them lost opportunities to marry woman who were not exactly physically attractive but were good women only to end up marrying the wrong woman because of her looks and generally making the divorce lawyers rich.So how does a man spot a good woman? Matthew Fitzgerald author of Sex-Ploytation - with a little bit of my own editing - has listed down the traits to look for if you want to find everlasting happiness, with a woman of course.
1- Miss Sweet
Miss Sweet is a woman who's positive, content with her life, always upbeat -- and just a blast to be around. She's a genuine person without a bitch bone in her body. She's always truly happy to see you and you find yourself looking forward to spending time with her. Miss Sweets are usually snapped up out of the dating market right away, so they're pretty rare. But if you can find one, you've got a real treasure on your hands.
2- Miss Equality
This type of woman is a true feminist -- not one of the radical man-haters, or the hypocritical pseudo-feminists who think that equality means "I demand equal rights and an equal salary, but a man still has to pay for me." The Miss Equalitys of the world genuinely like men, and understand that equality means equality across the board, from holding the door open to fighting on the front lines. They believe that a relationship should be a 50/50 partnership, and are more than willing to shoulder their half of the responsibilities and dating expenses -- just because it's the right thing to do.
3- Miss Sexual
You should be so lucky to encounter one of these! Miss Sexual loves men and loves sex -- and makes no bones about it. She's not selling it, she's not using it as a tool to manipulate men -- she just naturally craves it. Miss Sexual is not to be confused with a nymphomaniac, who suffers from psychological problems -- rather, she has somehow bypassed the female societal training of auctioning off the use of her body (emphasis mine) to the highest bidder. For this reason, most other women hate her, because she's giving it away free of charge. But men love her because she's a free spirit who's actually honest about her sex drive. Very rare, but worth searching the ends of the earth for.
4- Miss Best Friend
Closely aligned with Miss Sweet, Miss Best Friend is another joy to be around. She's the kind of woman you're totally in sync with -- you like the same things, watch the same TV shows, enjoy going to the same places. You can spend five minutes with her and think you've known her for years. She's always on your side, laughs at all your jokes, and calls you just to say "hi" because she genuinely misses you. She's great just to hang with. A word of warning, though -- with Miss Best Friend, you have to make your sexual interest known from day one because if she gets it into her head that you are going to be just friends it's almost impossible to change her mind.
5- Miss Straightforward
This is the type of woman who knows how to communicate. With Miss Straightforward, there are no games, no expecting men to be mind readers, no behavior based on ridiculous, female-biased advice from articles in Cosmo or The Rules . Miss Straightforward will pick up the phone and ask you out. She will do what she says she will do -- not say one thing and do just the opposite. Although she may be blunt at times, at least you'll know where you stand and you'll never have to spend hours trying to decode contradictory messages..
6- Miss Independent
This is a good woman to find if you don't have a lot of time to invest in a relationship or you're the type of guy who needs a lot of space. Miss Independent has a real life of her own and is happily going in her own positive direction. She's the type who wants a man in her life, but doesn't need a man in her life. And she certainly isn't looking for men to solve all her problems or blame when things don't go her way.
7- Miss Loyal
Miss Loyal will never cheat on you or constantly be on the lookout for a "better deal." When you go out, she won't be scanning the room for other guys, but will keep her attention focused on you, the man in her life. She's also more apt to stick around if times get tough.
8- Miss No Pressure
While many women are chomping at the bit to get married, Miss No Pressure hasn't fallen prey to any such agenda. She's happy just to be with you. So you don't get any, "Where is our relationship going?", or hint-dropping about the future, or window-shopping at the jewelry store. She may want to get married at some point, but she's in no hurry -- she thinks that if it happens, it will just happen naturally.
9- Miss Secure
Miss Secure accepts herself as she is and is comfortable with her good points, as well as her bad. And she feels the same about you. Miss Secure doesn't need constant attention to shore up a sagging ego, has tons of self-esteem, and is always going in her own positive direction.
10- Miss Personality
Miss Personality is a great find. She might not be up for first prize in a beauty contest (although she could be), but her intelligence, wit and sparkling presence just light up the room, and she draws people like a magnet. Her personality is so charming that it easily overcomes any deficiencies she might have in the looks department, just because she's so great to be with.
11- Miss Low Maintenance
The rarest of the rare, Miss Low Maintenance is the most atypical of modern women. She really doesn't care about how much money you have -- she just likes you for yourself and not for what she can take from you. She's likely to be a true feminist, and will gladly pay her share of the dating expenses. If you can find a Miss Low Maintenance, hang on to her for dear life!
12- Miss Right For You
A lot of guys choose women who are "arm candy" – good looking trophy girlfriends who bolster their status among other men or counteract their own insecurities. That's all well and good, but if you find a woman who makes you happy, regardless of looks, age or social status -- or what any other guy thinks -- then you have definitely won at the mating game.

ZENITH JOSHI concluding remarks: So guys, don't give up yet. She could be just in front of your nose. She could be the woman in the next cubicle who brings you coffee at your workstation with just the right amount of sugar and cream and hangs around waiting to be noticed; or the cashier at the bank who smiles every time you walk in; or may be she is the woman you refer to as the "bossy bitch' - you know- the one who is Vice President at your Corporation. She could be anyone.

Being Single isn't Easy Whatever Anyone Says!

You’ve probably heard it a thousand times: everyone telling you that you can have an exciting life as a single and that you don’t need to be in a relationship to be fulfilled... Much of the advice we get about being happily single is well-meaning but how much of it is practical. If it is your choice to be single and you are happy that way, good for you. But if what you really want is to be in a relationship, how happy can you be sitting alone on your couch weekend after weekend or eating your Christmas dinner all by yourself? Not to mention trying to find someone to accompany you to the office annual dinner.Being single isn’t easy, whatever anyone says. Personally, I believe that being single can be a wonderful and fulfilling time in your life. Time alone as a single man or woman is a great time for self-growth and for finding the happiness and love that lies within but there comes a time when you need to move to a new level of growing and sharing - with someone else.

Yes, you have all of these beautiful things inside of you but with no-one to share them with. Even though you have lots of people that care about you, you’ll still know deep down that it’s so unlike having that “special” person that really knows when to make you smile when everything else around you seems so dreary. Of course you could find a few people available for casual sex but for you there are emotional and moral complications with that - you are not the type to have sex with just anyone who comes along. The bottom line is that there comes a time when nature calls, a time when you are ready to love in a deep, intimate sexual way, and when you reach this stage in your life you will feel lonely until it’s fulfilled.

Feeling lonely is not a negative thing. The hope for love is human and good. There is nothing wrong with wanting to find a life partner. Wanting to share love with someone is “natural” progression born from our soul and spiritual need. But not everyone dares to go into this abyss of pain which the longing for a soul mate can take you. This is a path for those who aren't just looking for wholeness, or to be part of a couple, it is a path for people who are interested in something bigger and better than "self-love'' and "self-absorption"- something Divine.

As a conscious, forward thinking, fun-loving, independent, choice-making fabulous individual, you realize that you hold everything you need inside of yourself but you also realize that you deserve loving and healthy human contact. However, unlike people under 30 years of age your prospects are not as great. Further more, most of your best friends will have been married by now, thus, narrowing the chances of them being an effective resource for you. So where do you go? And where do you meet others who are consciously and spiritually evolving?

There’s always the computer. But only God knows how many online dating sites you’ve tried. For some reason, you seem to be the only person who never seems to have much luck with them. If you are like many others, you’ve probably been taken in by a photo or profile of a person you thought was what you’ve always been looking for - only to find when you actually met that person they looked and sounded nothing like their photo or profile.

So to hell with technology you tell yourself, after all nothing beats the feeling of an authentic spontaneous encounter with an intriguing person. But the last time you went to one of those “singles nights” or “speed dates”, far from being a honey-pot of attractive, unattached people, it turned out to be the same old sad gloomy dead end prospects. And your local church has no singles programs for people your age.

May be you’ve even tried the lonely hearts columns and some people didn’t even bother to reply - that made you feel as if nobody wants to know you. You feel so rejected and unwanted. You just cannot shake off the nagging feeling that you have been cruelly singled out by some grossly unfair quirk of fate to be single - and, perhaps, single all your life. That’s what being single, lonely - and desperate - does to you.

If you’ve tried being happily single and it is not working for you, try these very simple, yet very smart strategies that have been key in helping thousands of singles transform a stagnant dating life (virtually non-existent) into purpose driven dating, fun and fulfillment. Chances are that you will have a busy dating life. You will make all of your unhappy married friends envious.

Create Space for love!

From experience, mine and many others, I honestly believe that love always find a way to us. But I also believe that life is what is happening while you “wait”. Happy people are not those people who have the best of everything; happy people are those who make the most of everything. Don’t be so "busy" that men and women look at you and think you do not have room for a relationship because you are so happily single. If want someone to come into your life, then you must clear space to make room that person. And what vibrations are you sending out to the universe when you say you are “happily single” and secretly wish you were in a relationship?. Remember, great things happen when you align your thoughts and words to your actions!

Meet lots of people!

The ONLY way you can learn about human relations is by having them - not from a book, from a seminar, hiding away in isolation is some retreat house and certainly not from an epiphany or “road to Damascus” encounter. The more you know about others, the more you learn about yourself, and the more you know about yourself, the better chances you have of attracting someone with whom you have lots in common. Get out and meet lots of people, men and women, and talk, smile, flirt, take an interest and laugh with them. No pressure for anyone. And avoid the old habits of quantifying your relationships by “keeping score” as to who called whom first and whether or not a man or woman is “that into you”. That drama may have been okay for junior high, but we’re adults with interesting careers, lives and better things to do - hopefully. The whole point is meet as many people as you can.

Get the basics right!

There is a great big wonderful dating world out there for those who are willing to venture into it. But it is also a well-known fact that the greater your mastery of the basics, the better your chances of succeeding. In fact, mastery of the basics either through reading self-help books, attending a seminar or working with a professional is often the key factor that separates the great from the mediocre. However avoid those very retro “corny” books and advice columns. In dating as in anything else, if you want to become successful at it, you need to learn what the masters are doing and imitate them. You need to be ready for the opportunities that life brings you, so that when your time comes, you don’t miss your shot.Do something you wouldn’t normally do!A majority of people are so very predictably boring and that is why we are incredibly impressed when we meet someone who is creative and spontaneous. Every now and then try to do something spontaneous – this is not the same as reckless and stupid - get dressed up even if there is no one around to impress, visit that one place you’ve always wanted to, sing that song you love at the top of your lungs, grab some friends and go do something completely mind blowing. Do it just because you can. Push it further and head out onto your freer and wild side. Not only will you be doing something fun and out of the ordinary, but somewhere someone is watching and he or she is very impressed with what they see - it says to them “this is what life with me is like”.

No Matter what don’t stop believing!If you yearn for a wonderful relationship with the right person, don’t quit hoping. God and the Universe need to know that you not only know what you want, but you really want it. No matter what, you need to cultivate the habit of persisting, of starting again after setbacks and using your failures as, an education for success. You need to remember that more than anything else - persistence is what separates the “haves” from the “have nots”.This year can be the start of something amazing – remember that no-one else can do it for you, it’s up to you.